Given to Fly

Walking After You

Editorial Staff — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:24:38 +0000

Happy new year folks!

Rest and rehab is going well. Was flitting between the parents and home for Christmas. My parents are still alive which is a compliment both to myself and the NHS for the strength of morphine they sent me there with. The horrified look on my Mum’s face as my Aunty painted my toes was enough of a happy to get me through my time there.

On a serious note, I do appreciate everything they did for me. My Dad bought 9 cases of Lucozade because I drank one or two bottles of it. (They were probably on offer, buy 5 get 4 free or something knowing Dad). I left pretty soon after the shopping though so they will probably stay there for ages now.

Mum burst in the room telling me she spent over three hundred quid on food on champagne. I should say “extra” food as she had already catered for Christmas dinner. Normally I do like to be lowered into my food and to dig myself out, loads of Christmas dinner… this year I was full after mash and carrots. Again, I think they can survive. They are used to stock piling food, the Christmas pudding had been kept for 2 years before it was eaten this year. I say eaten, Dad wolfed it down and everyone else looked at it with the contempt of vegetarians at a sausage factory.

I still cannot drink. The champagne and quality JD I have passed up during this festive season is enough to inspire me to try to make a quicker recovery than is expected. I want my cast off pretty soon, bed rest is boring. Sometimes I do get a change of scenery and sit on the sofa instead of my bed… and I just started Bones DVD’s from Series 1. I know, Hollywood lifestyle or what?!

At times I have felt anti social stuck in my room and frustrated because I can’t do more, so I push myself to do more every day. Social Services rang today to see if I was in need of a home visit and possibly “help” in my home environment, I sent them away with a flea in their ear. Not really a flea though, because that would be un-hygienic of me (and also would prompt another phone call from some agency or other).

I’m off to mourn the end of my walking career.

In a bit

Just Goin Hospital For a Bit…

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 06:00:45 +0000

Greetings friends, enemies, family and those looking for porn…

I’ve scheduled this to hit the web at 7am on the 19th of December, at which point I will be in a hospital awaiting the operation I’ve wanted for years. Nowt major, well, it is but y’know…

I only told a few people so please don’t be mad if you are a family member and you didn’t know, I just wanted to draw the waggons close and keep it quiet. If all goes according to plan I’ll slip in and be back doing your heads in as soon as. Of course this is all a bit of a risk, until they put me in the gown I won’t actually accept that it’s happening. If that is the way this goes down then this post and the other 13 or so I wrote during the last few weeks will make very funny reading; especially if the post after this says that the operation didn’t happen.

You watch out if that happens!

The people in the know were few and I thank every single one of them for keeping it quiet and for helping me with all the niggly shit that goes through your mind.

If you want to know what went through my mind, the last 13 or so blog posts will give you a clue… read away, they start at ‘I’ and end somewhere… Not an end but a pause.

I’m off to have this operation. People close to me will stress, all I have to do is sleep and wake up. Claire has my phone and therefore control of my twitter account, I’m sure if she gets the urge she can tweet on my behalf and let you know how it all goes.

Have a merry christmas

In a bit

Moulty xx

XIII – Don’t Get Scared Now

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:58:27 +0000

So here’s where my head is hours before we do this thing; flippant to the point of annoying. I do think about what’s to come but the way I figure it, everyone who is important to me will know how special they are to me so that if anything happens nothing is left unsaid. In terms of my life being in someone else’s hands for a few hours tomorrow I can’t really focus on that too much.

I will say this. I have been very lucky to have the friends and the family I have. The ups mean nothing without the downs and if it all goes to make you who you are, then I’m thankful for every person who said I couldn’t do something; because they have contributed to this fine figure of an every so girly boy writing this right now.

Anything else I write now will sound like a goodbye and I don’t want that. I still have work to do, the story isn’t finished. But for now, I’ve been there, thought about it, and fucking gone and done it anyway.

I’m thankful for my parents and that they never listened when Bury council told them I’d never achieve anything in education, outside of eating dry cornflakes with the special needs kids. I’m glad I never listened when my Mum told me I couldn’t dive off the high diving board on holiday, and Dad, I totally let go of your hand on purpose. If I was going to leave that diving board, I was going to leap on my own terms. It’s very me.

I will never be able to tell Claire exactly how amazing she is, I do tell her what she means to me regularly, I fear I only scratch the surface. We still have adventures to go on, but I’m glad I get to share so much of them with you. This year has been one of the happiest of my life and you alone made leaving Liverpool the best thing I have done since leaving home to go there in the first place.

If that wasn’t enough I was able to strike gold again more recently when Anna came along. Anna is amazing on her own terms, she is like no-one I have ever met. To every situation there is reaction A, reaction B, and Anna’s reaction, I love that. And she never stops smiling around me coz I don’t let her. Who knew that when Claire brought her friend round when she moved in, she was introducing me to someone else that would become so special to me.

I have surrounded myself with people who write their own rules, life is never ever dull.

Anyway, this all sounds really final so I’ll stop and just say…

Let’s bring on tomorrow.

Goodnight, God bless,

PS. I love you

XII – This is It

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:55:06 +0000

So here it is, the day before the day. I expected to be a big ball of stress but I am not. Went to see Mum and Dad, Mum hugged me loads and we did a Santa video for Elliot. I came back to a houseful which is also nice, Anna intent on feeding me right up to the 2-30am deadline, there really is a sense that we are all in this together. I’ve said it before, I will probably say it again, I am very lucky to be going into this with the people I have around me.

Turns out I don’t get the choose music to fall asleep to and, in one last twist of tension, the snow came and visited. Dad assures me he can get us where we are going so it’s all good. As long as the surgeon gets in and doesn’t have a hangover or the shakes, this should be a straight forward thing.

This gallows humour has sort of come over me the last few days and I have to be careful not to blurt stuff out to other people. The worst ipod playlist ever… Girlfriend in a Coma by the Smiths, Drugs Don’t Work by the Verve… really inappropriate things are coming into my head; I’d went on a cruise to Bilbao at Uni and thought Titanic was a hilarious in-cruise movie. Lee made me laugh, he got into the flow, he said he’d be the one on the Titanic that starts singing ‘Ice Ice Baby’…

25 Minutes to Go, great ironic song… I can’t stop it they are just coming to me.

XI – Make Up May Be Fading

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:50:05 +0000

I have to admit something. There have been minor moments of worry in the last few days. My Mum rang and got onto talking about it, the “my son’s life will be in the hands of someone else” was a wobbly moment for me. I know all that is true, I’ve tried to plough on but when someone says it to you it kinda hits like a hammer. Today is Sunday morning just after midnight, I searched for my hospital information booklet in a fashion that could be described as frantic, and I read it more than once. Erm, yes. Moving on.

The bottom line is, if you look at the situation longer than A) go to sleep B) surgeon does his thing C) Wake up and D) get massive hugs off everyone and a sneaky Maccies off Anna – of course you get into the questions. What if? So let’s not look at it for long enough for those to come up.

I know Claire and Anna and I are bound to have moments like that on Monday in the hours I am waiting for surgery. I only promise to do what I can; make sure those that matter know how much they mean to me, remember my pjs, meds, and my ipod and let the Powers that Be take care of the rest.

Everyone who is important to me knows what they mean to me. I have texted, spoken and written (and sometimes all three) to people all this week. It’s all a bit of a moo point really, I plan to be back writing this thing and pressing on with life after this week.

My make up may be fading, but my smile still stays on…

Moulty x

X – All My People Rice Here Rice Now

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:45:19 +0000

I have ten minutes before my rice is done, by the way, I’m fed up to the back teeth of rice and sauces with no fat in them and stuff. Everyone is beginning to look like pizzas and McDonald’s burgers to me. Seeeeeeriously, people, this operation is going to be worth it I know this and I know that the guilt factor if I had crap (aka good) food now at this stage, would not be worth it.

So, rice… yum.

IX – One Vision

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:40:16 +0000

You know if you have read this all the way through, I have thought a few times, if this thing happening now is too much for everyone. Whenever I do, Claire gives me that look that says “don’t be stupid, it’s happening, we’ll do it” and Anna reminds me of the Maccies she is going to smuggle onto the Ward after the op. Fine inspiration, believe me!

I’m truly not scared at the moment for this operation but I do know that whilst Claire wants to be there for me, every step of the way, she isn’t looking forward to it. In this sense, on Monday, I have an easier job than she… I get to fall asleep looking into the eyes of the people who mean most to me, and I get to wake up drugged up to the eyeballs in a hospital bed with a foot elevated. She on the other hand has to wait, that time won’t pass so quickly for her, we both know that.

I admit something now, approaching the weekend before the operation day, I really don’t think I will be able to ever repay her for what she has done for me as a person before this and right now. If she feels I have contributed even half as much to her life, I will be a happy person.

Take care of yourselves, Moulty x

VIII – Look Back, Don’t Stare

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:35:24 +0000

Turns out I did such a good job last week explaining what was going to happen in the op, that my parents were silenced by shock until around Monday evening. I presumed (wrongly) that Mum would be coming with us to the hospital (us being Claire, Anna, Dad driving and myself). I was wrong. Sadly Mum isn’t coming to the hospital on the day of the operation, Dad has asked if they can come up during visiting times after it, I have no problem with that at all. I haven’t stopped my Mum from coming with us on the day itself.

It could be hours of waiting around for a bed and a time for the op, I still don’t know how I’m going to handle this if I am honest. The calm, non stressed exterior might hold out long enough to get me in the gown, on the table rolling down to surgery. I really don’t know.

Luckily whenever I have been on the edge of possibly thinking about this and there has been the slightest tear in my eye (or both of them), something else has happened to distract me. I’m very thankful for this; whether it be peeling Claire off the ceiling after work, joining one of our favourite All Men Are Bastards rants or, or be it my Dad having a word with me in the car park of a restaurant while my Mum is inside, it’s all good stuff to deal with and have a laugh with that takes my mind off too much dwelling on next Monday.

Dad said some interesting things to me in the car. I listened and replied when I felt I could. I think he wanted more from me in terms of explanation regarding my attitude to our family. My parents feel I could have handled the operation stuff better and included them more and the situation with Danny confuses them still apparently.

They are disappointed that I have no interest in recreating the past where we used to be close. You can’t go back and I’m sick of re-treading old ground. The two of us have been more than civil when we have met, I can’t offer more than that. It’s not good to look back for too long, sometimes you just have to accept what is. It’s done and dusted and they need to let it go now.

We’ve all just got to get on with our lives and be happy, that’s the most important thing. Everyone, EVERYONE deserves to be happy. Even, if I let it happen enough, myself.

VII – Parental Guidance

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:30:20 +0000

I’m not sure what this little record / diary is becoming, because usually I blog as it happens, and only if the ‘it’ in question is worth it. This started as a way to record what was happening until I could tell people out right. Well, people know now. Tonight my Mum and Dad were told. Honestly, people, you would have been proud of me.

Told them straight, I got the date…this is when…got the information you need, is it possible that you could give everyone a lift on the morning? Positive response, yes….yes…great news wonderful, wanted to tell you when the pre-op was done…no time for jellyfish I was a man possessed it was awesome.

Dad has a plan of taking me to hospital for 7am and being back in work at 8am. Here I was, scared they would plough everyone into the car and make this massive trip and worry about me loads and there’s Dad taking it in his stride. They still will worry about me loads I mean, come on it’s a big deal.

They asked me what the plans were for afterwards, I told them back to our house, told them when I was coming for Christmas and I said I had plans in the evening; they warned me gently about partying too much so soon after the op and to just watch myself, nothing too harsh all stuff I could cope with. Was a bit like when you were a kid and your Dad asked you if you were excited for going “bopping at a disco”… no-one else’s Dad? Taxi for Simon!

Either they have finally understood the whole independence thing and are happy to be getting on with things OR I did a really good job of explaining what was going to happen, and how it was going to play out.

The news can be out now, they can tell whoever they desire. Whatever the reason, the Operation Twinkle Toes part of tonight’s plan went very well.

My football team did not play ball… but that’s another story.

Peace, Love and Soul – Moultyx

VI – Amnesty

Editorial Staff — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 05:25:32 +0000

You find me on Amnesty Day (5th December). The day which is the furthest day from my operation where no medical tests are happening, therefore I went out for lunch with Claire and had downright sexual feelings over the three Jack and cokes I drank. I savoured them, seriously. I haven’t drunk Jack since August and I won’t again after today for a while so I made the most of it. Me and it were one drink away from finding a room together.

That alone should tell you how the pre-op went. It went well. There was no need for any stress really, they only needed urine and MRSA swabs so blood pressure and heart checks were all current from when they happened in the summer.

The nurse said the best words ever, “See you on the 19^th”, ‘course…she said them after she had stuck a stick in my groin so there wasn’t much happiness in my face.

Anna came with me, which was very nice, I hope it put her mind to rest and I hope she felt easier after it. Although why they drag you in for a ten minute job I don’t know.

Next thing is to tell my Mum and Dad.

The toilet flusher bust last night and my wheelchair tyre went flat again today, there is no denying it’s a puncture now but Claire did an amazing job pumping that bad boy up at the garage. Who needs men with friends like I have?

We were sat in Henry J Beans today and Bruce Springsteen came on while we had our drinks. For a second I welled up coz it all just felt really good and I was dead happy.

Peace, Love and Soul – Moultyx