21st of January. That’s the one. Tell your friends. Or more specifically, tell my friends. Then barring swine flu, emergency ops, accompanying scumbag boyfriends to hospital, more swine flu, and a little unexpected violence, I should be seeing some of you lovely people very very soon.

Going into 2010 I know who my friends are. The good ones are plenty, the close ones are few and that’s the way it should be. Someday soon the phone call will come and I’ll be whisked away for a bit, so that a delicious doctor can perform acts upon me. When that happens, I’ll be rather quiet, but I know who I can count on to be around when the Doctor finishes. I’m going into this year with the most self certainty I’ve  ever had. I know about myself, and I know who is around me. That’s all I need to know.

I wish you all that you would wish yourself…and a little Peace, Love and Glitter on the side!

Moulty x

PS – I put this picture in because it made my Christmas this year. This thing had nine people around it, for various reasons it looked unlikely that nine people would be there so for that alone it is immense. Most people make their table look like this before Christnas dinner right? My mum keeps it looking like this all year round. It’s worth moving one of the mats just slightly each time you pass the table, just to see if she notices…. and she does!

Welcome to 2010, everyone. Dunno about you but it looks a lot like 2009. May the new year bring you everything that you want it to, blah blah blah… I do really mean that. I do hope everyone has a great year, but I’m still getting new year texts off people who sent them at midnight on the dot and found their network jammed!

I learned a lot this Christmas. I learnt that having both my grandparents around the dinner table is something we should not take for granted, even when Nanna Grotbags has drooled on her second sausage and most of her mash has ended up in her lap. I also learned that Elliot looks adorable when he is eating his mashed potato and when he realises you are giggling at him for rubbing it in his hair, he does it more.

The 5 funniest things that happened this Christmas

1. Elliot wearing mashed potato, while at the oposite end of life’s ladder, one Nanna Moult wore her food too!

2. Nanna Kelly rediscovering her mouth and keeping everyone in stitches with her comments, she is loving life again I can tell you.

3. Me thrashing Dad at Wii tennis and then Mum thrashing him at bowling the same night.

4. Playing with the wind up Grannies I bought my brother, Nanna Moult v Nanna Kelly.

5. Me opting to spend New Year alone, splashing around in a pink bubble bath (thanks, Lush) singing at the top of my voice. Good times!

Up and down week on Planet Glitter but we turned a corner in therapy and every week I feel insanely crap followed by renewed fabness and commitment to getting myself back to the top of a very fabulous moutain. I always said I felt like I was being re-built, and thanks to people that care, be they friends, or family or…nope I guess those are the only two, we will rebuild. You could say that now I’ve seen the blueprints and I’m surrounding myself with people that like them!

If you are dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you are smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you, and if you have moments so very low that you don’t believe anything anymore, make sure you’ve got people around you that care enough to remind you. Mums and Dads do that job very well too, even if Dad’s do have BUPA allowing them to go under the knife quicker than you!

All the people this will make sense to, already know that I’m talking about them. It’s never a bad idea to remind yourself of the goal every now and then though.

Peace, Love and Soul – Moultyx

And while we are at it please show some love to another Team Glitter essential, who is building the glitter and the sparkles on her own twinkly website. GIMME A CLICK

It helps that my Nanna is the figure head of her own group, she always manages to get people around her, she’s always the one that tells the others the time if they ask, or remind them if they took their tablets this morning or not. It’s almost as if she is the head of the OAP Mafia for the Bury and District Branch. If she thinks your hair cut is shite, she will tell you, even if you happen to be her daughter. It’s good to have a mirror like that, and bearing in mind what I have written about my Nanna on past days, it’s nice to still have the mirror around.

Some days I think her social life is better than mine! A few times recently my Mum has turned up to see her only to be told that she is on a trip to the Blackpool lights for fish and chips! Now, that coming to a woman who feels a pang of guilt if she hasn’t been to see her at least a million times a day, is quite a change. The biggest change is that my mum has been able to unlock some of Nanna’s history, talking through old pictures and generally being able to talk about all the things that you can’t really talk about when you’re going round to deliver shopping and check up. Now, staff at the home do that stuff and my Nanna is benefiting from the results and so is my Mum.

We are celebrating having a meal with her in a few days. Also there, holding court equally as well, will be Elliot. However cute I have said he is, times that by a million when he has food around. He wants his, he wants yours, it’s fab. Last time I was with him for Sunday lunch I had to drink my diet coke on the sly and hide it behind the mash potato bowl just so he wouldn’t see it and want some. He’s the same with tea. I could sit and watch him all day.

Funny isn’t it? People at oposite ends of the spectrum have the power to captivate those around them. They are brilliant and inspiring, as long as you keep them fed, watered and listen to their stories every now and again. Both Nanna and Ell are like that, and when they giggle…boy do they giggle!

Whilst on the subject of inspiration, click the Ecuador Rosie link on this right hand side and do what you can to help an amazing person go and do amazing things to help people. On a personal note she makes me laugh instantly with her tweets so I must thank her. She did say that if she won the lottery she would buy me Josh Lucas (Sweet Home Alabama) and, as he has not arrived she must not have won. If the only blackspot I have against a person is that they didn’t deliver J Lu to me, then they must be good people. Rosie is good people. Click on her website right now. Do it. Go on….

Had a fab weekend. Friday at Elbow with David, they were immense and I’m so proud of them. To think that those boys used to practice in our Church hall, and there they were at the MEN arena.

The Arena is crap in terms of the wheelchair access / disabled viewing set up though. Richard and the Elbow boys can be proud of everything they have done with this album and tour, it took a while for the world to catch up but well dones all round. I’m still going to suggest they play Music in the Park next year in Tottington!

Saturday I was with a friend in the village, getting glances from some German dude who sat at the table outside Taurus before he realised it wasn’t waiter service. If it was? That would be coooool. I hope he had a good night, I’m told he was looking in my direction but believe me people, I had to mind his bags when he went inside, and that man had NO taste! Apparently I was very quick to offer to get the drinks in and visit the bar, I maintain it’s only because I knew the barman and the owner. They do the best strawberry daiquiri in the village (and there are many that do them).

I’m sorry but being complimented the minute you go into a bar, will have a good effect on anyone’s self esteem. I wish I could be the person I am in the ‘big gay bubble’ of the village, when I am outside it. We are currently working on it. I does like being a sexy bitch.

Tonight (Monday) I’ve been round at the family, catching up with Mum, Dad, Diane and Elliot. Elliot continues to make me giggle, I found out first hand how we are on to the “rarrr” phase of animal noises. Whatever the animal, ask Ell what sound it makes…. “rarrrr”. Elliot, his spoon and his face also spoke highly of the cup of tea Diane had, and the cauliflower cheese. We also get “awwww” when teddies are involved.

In fact, here it is, right. I decree that no-one else is aloud to make noises like “awww” in my direction in relation to any family issues, or who I kiss at night. No one else is allowed to “awww” because neither of those things need sympathy. Cute awwwws are still allowed. Be like our Ell, stick to “awwww” and “rarrrrrrr” and you’re on to a winner!

I cannot speak highly enough of that boy and if I could speak highly enough of him, well then I’d just go and invent a whole new level just for him.

Was a good afternoon. Night everyone xx

Moulty x

Some good afternoon fun has come my way over the last few days and after all the crappy downbeat updates I think it’s important to bring attention to the ones that go well. We had a family get together in Mum and Dad’s garden on Sunday, Elliot (who is currently up to 3 teeth and 4 steps) crawled around the garden and the sun was out! We’ve got the poor lad brainwashed though because every time he heard any tapping he instantly stopped crawling, sat and waved to the bunny because he knows that we tap on the window to get the bunny’s attention and feed it.

I’ve got this horrible feeling that Ell will be on a bus to school one day in the future and someone will tap on the seat or something, instantly he will look around and wave and have no idea why! Brainwashing, baby style! Fab.

Elliot and my mum came round today, she looks after him on Mondays and Fridays while Diane is at work. Elliot and my carpet shared fish pie, he played with keys and then got tired so they both went home. Really nice to see them both!

That little boy is loved by a lot of people. He is lucky and so are we.

I’m in the middle of this thought restructuring thing that the counsellor has given me. She reckons that because I am unable to have a thought without automatically linking it to something negative, I need to work on having happy thoughts, plain and simple. She has a point about the negative automatic thoughts though, because as soon as I tried to clear my mind and think about simple nice things like clothes I felt materialistic and we were straight back to feeling bad. We’ll get there though, as I am always told, this loopyness didn’t happen over night so it will not be fixed over night either.

As well as the colour therapy that I have done recently and the reflexology (which I loooooove) I was asked to think about the last time I was really happy. I came up with two times, one was when I went on a dissapearing act during last year’s PRIDE festival and lost my phone. Me and my friend Taz ended up going into work the next day on about 3 hours sleep, and I looked a mess but we got through the day and I got home, replaced my lost phone and slept. The other time I was really truly happy was sometime around coming home from Liverpool back to Bury. Either sitting there with my Daniel talking absolute shit and listening to music at about two in the morning, or being around family and realising that they were round the corner now and it wouldn’t be so much of a struggle anymore.

Didn’t know then, what was gonna hit me and knock me down did we? But I’m getting up slowly and surely. I don’t think I’ll be the same person in a lot of ways, the changes I have made have made me happy and they’re not the kind I can or want to go back on. You only come out once in your life!

We can rebuild. We have the technology.

Peace, Love, Soul

Simon

Okey dokey then it’s been a while since I last wrote on here, and it being my site I figured it was about time.  Apologies for what is about to follow, I don’t know that myself at this point but I figure I must send some type of warning because I might well talk about some stuff that involves a few people. Some of those people know this already, others may no longer be around as much so this might suprise and or upset them.

If it does, build a bridge and get over it because it’s taken four months, a lot of alcohol, many tears, some pretty weird behaviour in the middle of the night and at this point one fairly heavy counselling session to get this far. All of the stuff I just mentioned is still going on, and more besides. But today I turned my computer on and I’m confident that it will remain on long enough to make one tiny step in the right direction.

“I plant the kind of kiss, that wouldn’t wake a baby on the self-same face that wouldn’t let me sleep”

This part is for one person and one person only, but  it’s written here so that I can see it mainly but also because I have no problem in other people reading it. This type of therapy, my boy, is better than any infused chemical you may choose to smoke and better than any of the people you may choose to surround yourself with now.  Here, right now, with Mr Garvey in my ears and my hands shaking as I type, I’m going to say that I will try my hardest not to let you push me any further down.

All the bad things that have happened have been the results of choices that you have made, and result in feelings that the rest of us are dealing with. I cannot speak for others but I want to be past the idea that I am to blame for any of the shit that is going on in your head. This will not make one jot of difference to you right now but one day it will. I give up the guilt that I feel because I feel I let you down. I will try very hard not to give you the power over my head that still remembers you crying on my floor apparently wanting to change when in fact you didn’t…I’m going to make sure that is no longer my issue. I’m going to give up wishing that you were the person you used to be, and regretting the fact that you are not. Your issues will hit you whenever they hit you and from now on I’m taking steps to get away from making them my issues.

I’m going to try so hard not to let you keep me awake at night and plague my dreams when I do manage to sleep. I’ve got a bit of news for you too, I gave up hoping that you would remember a single one of our birthdays ages ago.

I will in all probability go and hide under the duvet again in floods of tears after I have written this but I want to mark this as a moment when I started to try and get you out of my head at the level you have been for so long. I want there to be someone at the end of this massive head fuck I am in, and if I allow you to rent space in my noggin indefinitly I fear there will be nothing left of me.

I’m told it’s grief, right? Mourning without the finality that you normally get. And remember, we love you to bits!

This can also serve as answers for EVERYONE who continues to ask what I think or how I am coping. I am not coping, and don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s all about that one person. It’s a long therapy, this was just one session. This is a marker in the sand to see where I am starting from.

Now let’s see if I am brave enough to publish this, and let’s see what I write next time shall we?

Moulty

The last few days I’ve been with Bury’s favourite chav and the North West’s most wanted and star of CCTV…my brother Daniel.

It’s hard to match the boy that has all that going on, with the brother that is currently huddled up on my sofa watching comedy and laughing like he hasn’t seen TV for ages. This is the lad we don’t see very often, and he is the one that I haven’t even seen to often even here…because before too long the comedy is over and Sky is showing one of those ‘craziest criminal’ shows. That’s when me and Daniel part ways, he sits there and shouts at the TV advice about how the lads getting arrested could have avoided their fate.

It’s all that “Nah, you’re allowed to swear at Police three times before they can arrest ya!” Also the fact that he was actively scanning the show to see if it included anyone he knew…. THAT’S the Daniel I don’t like. I do keep hoping to see more and more of the Daniel I love. While Mum and Dad are away it’s an important time for him.

Tomorrow could also be my last day with my current employer. They seem insistant on ‘managing me out of the company’ and I’m insistant on trying my best and giving one hundred percent to the cause, until they tell me it’s hopeless. I will know that when the time comes to end our association, I will have given everything I have to give.

The fat lady may not be singing yet, but I think she is clearing her throat.

Moulty x