There’s been a big change since we last met, over at the family home they have regained a household member. Sometimes life is like that, you’re moving a long quite calmly and before you know it the situation has changed and uncertainty washes away the peaceful easy feeling. It can happen that quickly, look at the Titanic; only one little fella in the crow’s nest knew about the trouble coming towards it. I may not be where I used to be with the boy, but we both have had the rug pulled in a similar way and I know he’s got what he needs inside him to get past it. I know it because our Mum and Dad put it in both of us. Anyone can tell you, sometimes you don’t wanna pick yourself up off the floor; sometimes the mat tastes nice and you just want to lie there. Mr Curtis was right, “love will tear us apart”.

It’s easy to say things happen for a reason. VERY easy in my case because if my past life ex hadn’t got the urge to move on I may’ve been married to her by now. Christ!

That’s about as many words as I can handle on either subject.

I’ve been missing my Grandad recently. He used to send me the odd reminder that he was looking out for me, usually tobacco smells. I think heaven needed a photographer, what with all the rock stars they have up there now it would make sense. Maybe he thinks I is old enough and ugly enough to sort through any head mashing issues with my friends, prescribed medication and mental health professionals. Well, maybe… but he should still check in a bit. We all need extra help.

Love to Holly (yay for achieving one off your list, come back soon), Amy (keep smilin’) and Maz,(fight ya for the crown in two weeks) and Nia (she found something recently, y’know?)

I’m off to think about shoes and nail polish, and work out just how much I think of either without crossing THAT line. I hope it’s a lot.

In a bit

Me xx

As a reflexology / relaxation technique they try and take you out of yourself and if you are open to it the possibilities are endless. Not everyone is open to it though, some people have had reflexology and still cant see it as anything other than a fairly expensive massage, these people have my sympathy.

My mind goes places; let’s face it on some days it doesn’t like being here so if someone’s going to let it fly away it won’t take much arm twisting. Do minds have arms? Anyway…!

The escape can be anything. Mine turned out to be a beach. I’ve only managed to get there once on my own, it usually needs this woman. (A woman at my feet, I know, first time for everything!)My sub conscious is clearly a contrary bitch because anyone who knows me will tell you I hate beaches with a passion. The sand gets everywhere, I hate it when it gets wet and caked everywhere…the sea salt in the air drives me mad….urrrgh. But for some reason my beach works. The sand is pink, its warm, there’s places I haven’t explored yet and all of it completely works for me.

Only I’ve got the key to this place and today the therapist says that she’s going to introduce a guest. This could be an animal or a guy or a girl or whoever. I asked her not to suggest anymore than that because I wanted to see what I came up with. Before I went, knowing me, I was thinking that I’d come up with some cabana type whose only aim in life was to feed me grapes and drinks with umbrellas in them.

The result blew me away, it was someone I’ve known forever. It wasn’t a mermaid or any kind of extracurricular creature; it was someone who always has and always will mean the world to me. I believe this is worth recording here because my therapist woman says it was a huge deal because no one has ever been allowed in there with me and when I had the option to bring anyone along, my subconscious threw her in. And fuck me it was good to see her. Her timing was perfect.

So here you go, it’s a thank you from me to her (and my subconscious for knowing what I needed more than I did). She was there from almost day one, and our parents had this thing about us getting together, well, clearly on that plan my head didn’t want to play ball. But she is always there and I am so so so grateful for that. She is beautiful and I love her to the ends of the earth, and clearly now beyond because it was her that found my escape island.

Thank you for allowing me to be a bigger diva than you. Thank you for being absolutely gorgeous. Thank you for the dances, thank you for everything you have been and everything you will be. Thank you for the bollockings, and THANK GOD we never went for wanting more. I don’t think you’d have been on the beach today if you we had.

Whatever we get up to in the future, and wherever our paths take us I shall always be grateful for having you along for part of the ride.

He’s given us Eric Cantona, for which I will continue to be ever grateful. He’s given me and everyone who is hip enough, the music of Bruce Springsteen. He’s given me close friends that I will always treasure, and they know who they are.

But clearly, someone up there has given the Almighty a Wii. Clearly he’s been moving that everlastin’ booty on Wii fit for the past two weeks.

He’s had one or two pops at trying to take my Nanna and she’s havin none of it, the old girl is not for budging. Whatever the reason, whether she is too stubborn or too talkative for you up there, whether you just don’t have the stocks of minty Gaviscon to cope with her, or whether he’s too busy on his new enertainment system… I thank him for leaving her with us for a little longer. I’m being greedy, she’s had a fab innings, but there is a family down here that isn’t ready to lose her just yet.

Peace, Love and Soul – Moulty x

First off a girl I thought I cared about kept something from me. This is someone I had actually wanted to be with, someone who had allowed me to take my time to figure out that she was actually worth me trying the whole relationship thing again. Eventually she tells me it wont work because she doesn’t know what she wants, that really sucks but not as much as being told that the reason it is so on-off was because she couldn’t handle me being in a wheelchair. Apparently, she didn’t like people staring at me when we were out and she couldn’t handle the way those people might eventually look at her as well.

Now, I’ve had my heart broken by the first woman I really loved and it took me a good few years to get over it so this relevation as hard as it was to hear, didn’t have much effect. Fast forward many many flirty text messages and occasions when I really put myself out there so that if she did ever figure out what she wanted, I would know. She wanted to be friends, even though I pointed out that we weren’t really that before I was cheeky enough to make a move on her, she still wanted us to be there for each other as friends.

So we flirt, it’s a hopeless chase and I decide to leave the city. Then we’re on MSN one time and it just comes into my head that she is a bit laconic, all ‘yes, no, ok’. I ask if she has a boyfriend now because that will certainly change a person’s reaction to someone. She doesn’t answer so I take that to mean that she does and that this person had now actually made her mind up, it just didn’t include me.

In the irony of ironies, she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to hurt me. I’ve had just about enough of girls who ‘don’t want to hurt me’ because it seems that those are the ones that bloody well hurt you. It isn’t that she found someone else, it’s the fact that she let me chase her and told me that being friends was very important to her and all that. In the end, by not telling me she had someone, she hurt me. For someone who is apparently anxious to remain friends with me, it’s amazing how quiet she has been since I called her on the boyfriend she had.

Just in case she reads this, No-one told me about your boyfriend. I didn’t know, even though you wondered who had given you away in that respect. No one gave you away but you.

Now I can leave Liverpool knowing that the only real regret I had, wasn’t worth the thought I gave it. I guess I should thank you for being honest enough to finish with me because I’m in a wheelchair and I’m sorry I never had a second chance.

It took me an absolute age to open myself up to any girl, but you made me realise I could feel that way about someone else and that not all girls were out to hurt me. I thank you for that. Now though, you’ve just made it harder for the next person to get anywhere near me, and for that I do not thank you at all.

Apologies

Moulty x

Okay so its 2:13 am on Sunday morning and I should have gone to bed ages ago but I haven’t because for some reason I have not felt tired. The entire episode of the last few days has been going through my head – I may not go into detail about all of it because that’s not necessary, but this is the first time in a while I have actually felt that I needed to write stuff down like this so let’s keep going and see what comes out. The lights are off and there has been enough Jack drunk, not to be drunk but to be nicely breezed.

“It’s Been A Long Time Comin’ My Friend”

First off there is a girl involved, isn’t there always? Well, not if you are me. There hasn’t been for ages because the right one hasn’t been looking my way. Until now. It’s some time ago right and I’m in this crappy bar that everyone goes into from our work, no-one really likes it but it’s alright. There she is sitting there talking to other people and before I know it, my mate’s at the bar and I’m sitting next to her. I’d like to think I said stuff to her but I’m not sure, anyhow before long I’m pinching half her chips and I’m sitting there thinking that if I was her, and she was me I’d be getting slapped right about now for being a cheeky git and stealing her food. But I smiled a smile and it seemed to be okay. I also remember a un specified amount of Jack Daniels gave me some confidence and that when she asked for my email, I shook my head and from somewhere deep inside me said “oh no, you can have me number instead!” I may have even offered to write it on her hand, though I’m not sure about that.

Weeks and weeks of text messages and the ‘we’ll meet soon’ never happened. I got all blokey and wanted a yes or no finite answer, I don’t know if this was anything to do with what had happened before in my experience with other people but the endless ‘I like you’ without the next move really drove me crazy and I begged her to either go for it or shoot the dead dog in the head and put it out of it’s misery.

She did, she said we probably weren’t going to meet up and that sucked big style but at least I had an answer one way or another. It looked as if we weren’t going to take the ride.

Then the most wonderful thing happened, right out of the blue. The girl in question got back in touch and started talking to me like nothing had happened, and soon enough the disappointment that I had felt when she had made the descision not to, she said she missed talking to me and realised that when I was gone, she did actually miss me and that we were missing a chance to see where the rollercoaster took us. I added the rollercoaster bit here and now, she just said that she made a mistake, but me with the words had to embellish a bit. But it’s my site so I can, there are plenty of dull and uninspiring websites out there if you don’t want to read this.

For some reason I had this nagging feeling that ‘something’ was still never going to happen. So I kept the girl in question at arms length, and God knows why but she kept coming back and we kept talking loads and loads, then I’d get text messages from her because we had talked all the time away.

Two really good things happened – I found out she liked Robert Johnson (which is enough to get weird looks from even my bestest of best friends when I mention him), I thought ‘but no-one I know likes him, I thought I was the only weird one’. Then she mentioned Bruce Springsteen and I had those nice feelings, the opposite of the bad shakes you get when someone ‘walks over your grave’ or whatever the saying is. The good version of that, I don’t know what it is – someone flying over you maybe – but I had that.

Even then the date was moved twice more…but eventually we got there!

“…Willed A World And It Appeared”
 

So it didn’t matter that some of my little world was showing signs of strain, it really doesn’t matter that somewhere the shit was hitting the fan. All that mattered at that time was that she was there and I’d forgotten how pretty she really was, and she even wore the hat.

I’m not even getting bogged down in directions, questions and other things that may trip us up before we even get running.

I would have been quite happy sitting opposite her all night just listening to her, now I havemt done this whole thing in a while but I think that’s a good sign.

And the facts are facts, the roast beef was supposed to come with Horse Radish separate and it didn’t so of course we got some, even though the guy thought the brown stuff in the pot was the missing sauce (despite normal people calling it gravy).

From somewhere we got given a floaty thing and I took a picture of my glass of JD because I was impressed by the cosmic brilliance of the shimmer the candle gave through the glass from behind. Now it ain’t gonna win no art prize, or maybe it will because I’ve seen some of the previous winners, but I was impressed.

That isn’t the only thing that impressed me and I could sit here and write part two right now just full of reasons why this girl is very very special but I wont because I don’t know them all yet and it’s going to be a lot of fun finding them out.

“I’m tired of waiting for tomorrow to come, or the train to come rollin round the bend.

I got a new suit of clothes, a pretty red rose and a woman I can call my friend!”

For ages I have felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about this, partly because we both decided not to but also because at the time some of this was happening, they were darker days back at the Bury homestead. I quite honestly felt very selfish and not very family of me to admit that while it was pretty shitty back there, I was having a ball.

The shitty stuff from back home is going to be in my head for a while, but for anyone reading this who knows the shit of which I am speaking, we will all make sure we all get through it and we will all be there all the way through.

I’m almost sorry that this great news happened at such a lousy time for everything else but I have been told by someone that I apologise way too much so I’m not going to say sorry for it anymore.

I’m just going to say to both the good part and the crappy part, bring on whatever you have in store because it might just be the drink talking by now but I know at least one part is strong enough to stand up to what is about to come. As for the other part, well, I look forward to seeing where that goes.

I’m just blessed to be involved with a kick ass group of people in every aspect of myself. All of you are very special.

Keep on keeping on, everyone. Eventually you’ll turn the right cards up!

“Better Days are Shining Thru”

 SAM