Rang the hospital today for information regarding Operation Twinkle Toes. I was kindly informed that the latest possible date for the operation is 23 weeks since I passed Pre-Op. For those playing the At Home version of our game, that makes it 7th December.

And all they can tell me between now and then is that the admissions list is published 3 weeks in advance. In short, I am not in surgery next week.

Waiting game. Unless I want to pester the Admissions nurse, which yes I’d very much enjoy thank you.

I’m remembering the advice that I was given: Get the important people listed, phone numbers, etc. Oh and it is hereby decreed by this most awesome of Glittermonkies… that Claire gets my ipod.

“Too bloody right I should get it, every song on their reminds me of something now!”

Peace, Love and Glitter xxx
Moultyx

If I have to be ripped from a nice warm bed at stupid o’clock and on hand to fuel my mad (but essential and loveable with it) cleaner… I will accept that but don’t expect smiles and fabness at this stage of the morning. Coffee drank, world put to rights, cleaning done… I can now reveal her pearls of wisdom this week. She thinks that she finds enough 2p’s, 1p’s and 5p’s to be able to save up for a holiday in the Bahamas, she thinks this can be funded by that collection and selling some of my many happy pills. Oh yeah and she thinks that, on X Factor evidence alone, Cheryl Cole might be announcing a pregnancy before long! If that one turns out to be true, she’ll look like a mad genius!

Two things I have learnt over the past few days that I can share with you all now; constant ankle pain aside, I have realised that I can withstand some of the most painful experiences known to man. My pain threshold, always high, is apparently higher than I thought.

The other thing I have learnt is that otherwise sane people clearly have some form of lobotomy when they get loved up. If you were able to have a conversation with a person prior to their joining, forget about it now… in the most part “I” is replaced by “We”. Are you going to the party, mate? is a question, “No, we aren’t available on that weekend” comes the stark response. Joint statement. The end of society. It’s bad enough that some people are happy to be now known as “Mrs My new Husband’s name” (when the hell did that start?).

Thankfully the people close to me are sensible enough not to fall into the “We” trap very often. “We” is fine when you mean the both of you, it just winds me up when “We” is the answer to a question directed at one. Listen to me, I sound like some twisted version of Spock…the needs of the many and all that.

When I marry Dermot O’Leary, providing Mr Josh Lucas and Mr Craig Kelly will be suitably quiet despite their broken heart… I refuse to give up the I part of me, just for a “We”.

In a bit – Moulty x

Took me a while to get me head in gear after Pride, the come down was a bitch and I wasn’t ready for it. Luckily, me being me, has therapy to attend most any given week so any issues could be dealt with and we’re now back in some kind of routine. My goals are simple and will mean nothing to someone who doesnt know what head issues feel like but, get out of bed, stay out of bed and find something to smile about is pretty much my lot.

Friends are good for helping with that, and Gay Group which I STILL haven’t been able to go to yet due to financial reasons. I reckon that will do me good. Write it off as a cheap way to meet guys if you want but put yourself in my place. I came out a year ago and I’m only just now in a place to begin handling what that means; I didn’ t realise that most of the work occurs after you have made that monumental announcement. It came to a point where I had all the girl friend support I needed, but eventually you need gay friends! If only to to discuss what it feels like to be looking at FHM magazine for the clothes while you pretend to be ogling the models, whatever the experience it’s just nice to have people who are able to say ‘oh my God, I did that too’.

Pride was a massive step forward for me, I now have some belief that at the end of all this I will be happy in my own skin!

Therapist’s big master stroke this week was to get me to stop predicting. Predictions like “they wont turn up, they never turn up” lead to automatic negative thoughts like “they were only doing it out of pity” and then before long you’re back on the spiral and the voices are louder than the smiles and you’re back in bed with the duvet over you. She’s trying to get me to restructure, so all the predictions now get the answer “how do I know?”.

I can’t go to Tesco because people are going to be looking at me, I’m gonna freak out, I’m gonna panic, it’s gonna be awful…I’m staying here! THAT BECOMES I can go to Tesco, how do I know what will happen? Sounds simple doesn’t it?

As for all the good gossipy stuff… well, a girl never tells! Except to say I gave him back to his boyfriend within the hour and his boyfriend was quite happy to let him go for that time!

In a bit – Moultyx

I was a special edition before, but now I’m working on the definitive. Like when your favourite movie comes out on DVD and it has no extras and no Director commentary and it’s just the film on DVD, like Top Gun was when it was released in 2000. Then, to commemorate the 20th anniversary of it, they re release it on 2 discs with special features up the yin yang and commentaries, same movie just a definitive special edition.

Well, it’s taken some time and some major soul searching; Everyone will hate me, no one understands, my head doesn’t work right…work right damn you! But now I’ve got it, I’m here, I’ll never be here with this time and space ever again and when I’m out of this this better had be for keeps coz two battles with this shitty head mash is not fun.

The rebuilding is going well. I get to sit in an office lots and talk about my issues, lots, and the lovely lady talks about how I can handle situations in the future and how I can change so that this mind boggling doesn’t happen again. Then she talks about shoes, which is equally fab. Lord knows I can talk about clothes and shoes till the well dressed cows come home.

I’m very much going with the flow. 

In a bit

Moulty

I’m in the middle of this thought restructuring thing that the counsellor has given me. She reckons that because I am unable to have a thought without automatically linking it to something negative, I need to work on having happy thoughts, plain and simple. She has a point about the negative automatic thoughts though, because as soon as I tried to clear my mind and think about simple nice things like clothes I felt materialistic and we were straight back to feeling bad. We’ll get there though, as I am always told, this loopyness didn’t happen over night so it will not be fixed over night either.

As well as the colour therapy that I have done recently and the reflexology (which I loooooove) I was asked to think about the last time I was really happy. I came up with two times, one was when I went on a dissapearing act during last year’s PRIDE festival and lost my phone. Me and my friend Taz ended up going into work the next day on about 3 hours sleep, and I looked a mess but we got through the day and I got home, replaced my lost phone and slept. The other time I was really truly happy was sometime around coming home from Liverpool back to Bury. Either sitting there with my Daniel talking absolute shit and listening to music at about two in the morning, or being around family and realising that they were round the corner now and it wouldn’t be so much of a struggle anymore.

Didn’t know then, what was gonna hit me and knock me down did we? But I’m getting up slowly and surely. I don’t think I’ll be the same person in a lot of ways, the changes I have made have made me happy and they’re not the kind I can or want to go back on. You only come out once in your life!

We can rebuild. We have the technology.

Peace, Love, Soul

Simon

Daniel came back this afternoon, watched more Two Pints and has been in his bed ever since…naturally induced sleep I am sure.

Just when I was fearing the come down after the major high that was the radio thing, a friend of mine wrote to me and it meant a lot so I think it should go here so I remember it.

“Blimey, you’re so prolific, so articulate, so passionate about everything you write about. You’re definitely too good for that company, in fact, your life is too big to be contained by a job like that.  I know, I was in a similar situation at my old job.

 

If I can find paid work doing the thing I love most at my time of life, I just know a determined young stripling like you will do it!! And what you’ve just written is bang on – you will have to make it happen – just believe you can – ‘cos you can.”

Peace, Love and Soul

Moulty x

Coming back hasn’t only NOT answered questions I already wanted to answer, it’s made me ask different bloody questions! Everything I knew is upside down, the possibilities are endless and I both like that and it scares the shit out of me. I’m lucky to have people around me that understand, and the suprising thing is that they aren’t the people you’d expect them to be.

New friends have made me see things differently, and I have grown closer to the friends I already had. Maybe the whole point of this thing is not to find the answers, never to find the answers…only to find new questions that take you somewhere new.

“In life some people have to make choices, make a leap into the unknown. Some people don’t make that vital leap because they are scared of what might happen if they do but I think if you don’t leap you are stopping yourself from becoming who you are meant to be!”

 

Miss T

Peace Love and Soul

Si